A Really Important Post on Forgiveness

Jeff's comment is long, but it's worth reading.
"I have to confess: I have reacted badly to others' behavior. I have cussed and stewed and gestured and engaged in totally inappropriate behavior while driving. I was an angry driver, and when I arrived at my destination, I was angry and annoyed by everyone around me. While driving, I made myself more and more angry each time the car next to me changed lanes without signaling or someone ahead of me slowed way down because they were confused by the construction signs. I was reacting. I was a 'reactive' being. (Mrs. Ditter note: Look at Jeff's word choice: I made myself more angry. I love how he takes responsibility for his emotional reaction.)
"Eventually, I realized this behavior was making me toxic and sick. So I changed MY behavior. I chose to smile instead of frown. I chose to wave my hand instead of just one finger. I chose a different emotion...I chose to be calm. 
"By practicing this in traffic, I became less angry and annoyed by other things. I stopped mumbling sarcastic remarks under my breath in traffic and in the office. I chose to smile. I realized that just like anything else in life that I wanted to be good at, it takes practice, it takes rehearsal and it takes planning.
"The second key was the discovery that if I visualized myself as an 'observer' instead of a 'participant' in a heated exchange, it was easier for me to choose how I reacted. Again, this takes practice and anticipation and planning. (Mrs. Ditter note: Practice, practice, practice. He's not saying it's an instant miracle solution.) I practiced at work with co-workers and with customers. I didn't get sucked into the negative void they were creating in their world. I chose to stay 'neutral', which is quite different from disengaging or 'unplugging'. We all know people like this, and I didn't want to become a cold fish or an uncaring person. So again I chose to stay engaged and I chose not to react emotionally. I was thoughtful. I was in the moment. And I was able to keep my end goal (whatever it might be) in my mind's eye. And people responded to me differently.”

I just don't have anything to add to this, other than to say: Jeff, you are a huge inspiration. Thanks for writing.
See you tomorrow, folks. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm grateful for every single one of my readers--and I'm especially grateful for the questions and comments you've left over the last few months. Thanks for helping me start my blog! I hope every single one of you has a terrific Thanksgiving, and that you take at least sixty seconds to take a deep breath and say "Thank you" to God, the Universe, your miracle of a body, or whatever works for you.
Now, back to the kitchen...

Queen of Denial Rants and Raves

So we're still dealing with anger and forgiveness and how to get from the first to the second. I love today's messages. Read on for enlightenment!
First up from Ellen: 
I am (perhaps unfortunately) a firm believer in avoidance. If the dastardly individual with whom I'm (obviously righteously) pissed is not someone I have to interact with, I simply avoid them...forever. Anger has a way of fading over time, whether we want it to or not. 

If I absolutely cannot avoid the cretin, then I use the "step through the curtain" technique. Imagine a curtain in front of you (made of glass beads, silk damask or whatever works for you). Step through the curtain and leave the anger on the other side. It's now hidden behind the curtain and is firmly in your past - you can ignore it because it's no longer in your face. Denial. It's a wonderful thing--Ellen
Anonymous writes: 

I've found that only two things really work for me in the anger-releasing-let-it-go-and-move-on-department. 1) A very, very long walk with the dogs, preferably somewhere remote where I can rant unobserved--it helps if the weather is truly appalling for a bit of added drama. Sometimes the physical exertion seems to replace the mental anguish. 2) A very, very long grumble with a select group of long-suffering friends over several glasses of wine. Usually by the end of the evening the bad stuff has become really quite funny, sometimes hilarious, at least for a while.
Anonymous, I suppose you could combine your two methods by wrapping yourself in a curtain and forcing your friends to accompany you on a long walk in the howling wind and rain, while you swill wine from a bottle clutched tightly in your angry hand and rant long and loud. Don't scare the dogs! Minus the wine, that would work beautifully for me.
Ellen, I'm impressed that you can leave your anger on the other side of the curtain. When I bring up that image, I see it seeping back around the edges of the fabric. Clearly, you're a more evolved being than am I.
And Anonymous, you bring up a point that an earlier respondent made: Hard physical exercise blunts, dissipates, dissolves, whatever term you choose to use, really helps with the process of letting go of the anger and getting further down the road toward forgiveness.
Stay tuned, folks. More fun stuff next time!

Really Angry? Try One of These Tips

Dee writes: First of all, acknowledge that you are angry and hurt. Then do something to release the anger, hurt, frustration, and resentment. For example: Write the person a letter and really let them have it, tell them everything you want to say, call them names, rip as hard as you want. Then throw the letter away, tear it up, burn it. There's something about watching it go up in smoke that truly feels like you're getting rid of it. Flushing it down the toilet works too! 
Another way to get it out is to do something physical. Maybe run until you're exhausted or hit something (preferably something that won't hit back, break, or hurt you when you hit it). Once I took a dozen eggs and, one by one, threw them in the bathtub--HARD, watching each one smash to pieces. Of course, once that was over I had to clean it up, but even that was sort of healing, like cleaning up the mess was part of the process. 
Finally, and this is the most important part, you need to let it go. LET IT GO. Holding on to the anger is not hurting the person that you are upset with, it's only hurting you. Once you truly make up your mind to just let it go, it can no longer have a hold on you.--Dee
So I think this is a little off the topic of forgiveness techniques (Dee, just HOW do you let it go?), but I love these tactics for dealing with horrible, raw anger. I'm reminded of a time soon after my brother died when I took all the dining room chairs and threw them across the room. Then I had a good, hard cry. And then I felt a tiny little microscopic bit better.
I think you're right that forgiveness is easier AFTER you do something really physically taxing. I always feel better after a hard run, or some really tough work in the yard (or...throwing chairs around the dining room...). Dee, I love your point about cleaning up the mess being part of the healing process.
More tomorrow!

Aunt Needs Christmas Gift Ideas!

I am the BEST AUNT in the world! I'm lucky enough to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephew. I know them pretty well, but as they get older, it's harder to figure out what they would like for Christmas. I have three nieces, age 8, 11 and 14, and one nephew, age 11--World's Best Aunt
Well, this brings back a painful holiday memory! Hang on there, World's Best Aunt, while I over-share.

The year I was eight, I stumbled into my oldest sister's bedroom (she was home from college) and there, in all its glory, was a knitting machine for kids my age! The brightly colored box showed a happy girl holding up a beautiful scarf that she had supposedly knitted herself using the machine in the box. I nearly wet my pants in excitement. But on Christmas morning, as the pile of presents got smaller and smaller and NO KNITTING MACHINE APPEARED, I was thrown into the depths of despair. It ended ugly, let me tell you. Turns out College-Age Sister had purchased the knitting machine for her boyfriend to give to HIS eight-year-old sister. And no, I don't remember what gift I received from her that year, just what I didn't get.
Okay, I think I can move on...

Since you get to spend a lot of time with your nieces and nephew, what are the chances of taking each of them out separately? This might be totally lame; maybe you already do this on a regular basis. But the kids I know in this age range LOVE spending time with their favorite aunt. So...a night out at a hockey game? A movie? Bowling alley? Swim center? Live theater? A hike and a stop at a favorite burger joint afterwards? Trip to a favorite bookstore with a $20 or $25 gift certificate?
Something my kids love, and I always loved, were magazine subscriptions. Stop laughing, you Internet-addicted types! The fun of getting something every month that's JUST FOR YOU is still pretty cool. And there are a ton of magazines out there just begging for subscribers. In no particular order, and without separating for gender or age, how about: American Girl, Discovery Girls, New Moon (our personal favorite; the true voices of real girls come through in this publication, although it's not for every family, given its frank discussions about issues that most magazines shy away from), Teen Vogue, Seventeen, Boy's Life, Any One of The 5,231 Magazines That Focus On Animals (Your Golden Retriever; Ferret Times; Snakes and You, Backyard Chickens). 
How about a disposable digital camera, or, if your budget runs to it, a cheap digital camera? Also:
Art classes, or an art workshop that you could attend together. A one-time cooking class. A skating lesson. A trip to her favorite clothing store (she'll be armed with a gift certificate from you, of course) and time for a Starbucks stop afterward. 
If the kids are computer-savvy (and if it's okay with the parents), a subscription to an online game site such as Club Penguin might be a hit for the younger kids. And I won't even get into the many, many computer games for fear of showing my extreme ignorance of such things.
Also: We've scored countless times with gifts from the following catalogs: HearthSong, Chinaberry, and Young Explorers.

You could, of course, look for a knitting machine, or a loom, for the eight-year-old. Just a thought.
Readers? Any ideas for World's Best Aunt? Leave them in the comments section. 

In Which Mrs. Ditter Admits She is a Deeply Flawed Person

But you knew that already. And so here we go with the second in our line-up of forgiveness tactics and practices. Today's first comment comes from janeannechovy:
I've always thought that forgiveness really is the same thing as repentance. If you don't want to hold on to all your old mistakes, why would you want to hold onto someone else's? It's all just baggage that weighs you down.
This is, of course, true and brilliant and wise. But sometimes my baggage seems to be permanently attached to my body, no matter how hard I try to leave it behind. And so I struggle to translate the truth of "Leave your emotional baggage at the celestial curb" into actual practice. However, janeannechovy's comment is going up on a wall in this house! It's a great reminder of the importance of staying in the present moment.

For those of you who are as wackadoo as me, here is a terrific breathing meditation. It comes from Julie:

Imagine your anger (or fear, pain, sickness) in the form of thick black smoke. With your imagination, collect all the thick black smoke in your lungs (at times, it may seem to be coming from your head or a place of tension or injury in your body). On your next exhale, imagine the smoke leaving your body, whooshing out through your nose. Picture it going far out into space where it can't bother anyone else. Continue this until all the smoke has left your body. Some days, this takes longer than others...!
You can add a second step: On the inhalation, imagine that you are breathing in pure, white light, which carries with it peace, inspiration and healing.

I love this technique. I've used it already and am going to add it to my grab-bag of Instant Calming Techniques (yes, there is an actual list of things I do to calm down. Leave me a comment if you'd like me to email it to you). Thanks, Julie. Also, you people who are NOT Julie may want to check out her blog at www.fromthecapricornsgarden.blogspot.com. Excellent, thoughtful writing and for those of us who are raising kids/teenagers, some funny stuff.

Thanks for reading.

Forgiveness Coming Right Up!

First off, a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who sent in their thoughts on forgiveness--and their practical methods for finding that spot inside their soul. I'm going to lightly edit the responses and publish them over the next few weeks. I am insanely grateful to all of you! Also: The blog will be short on pictures for the next few days. Please forgive me for not entertaining your eyes!
First up, this comment from Therese:
Let me start off by saying the WORST kind of hurt, hardest to forgive, is when someone hurts someone I love.
This is what I do and it works every time. It's just harder than hell. I do it because I don't want those hooks in my brain.
1. I make a list of everything I want, at real depth. Like, "Respect from the people I work with, a sense of competence, deep and abiding love from my family, financial security, joy and flow in my daily life, etc."
2. Then I pray for them to have ALL OF IT...that's right, for the person I'm angry with to have all the stuff I want for myself.
I don't have to mean this. I just have to do it. And if I do it every day for two weeks, something in me shifts and I begin to see their wounds and griefs, and compassion overwhelms my anger. And then, if and when I have to see them again, I'm WAY different. So they can't help but be different too, or at least be uncomfortable. (The latter fulfills the biblical observation that if I treat my enemies with love it's like heaping burning coals on them! But the trick is, the burning coal bit can't be my PRIMARY goal--just forgiveness).

Thanks, Therese! I love this idea. It reminds me of that Buddhist practice where you pray for yourself, then for someone you love, then for someone you can't stand or are angry with, then for the whole Universe. Anyway, here I go to make my list of all the things I want at a soul level...and then I'm going to turn it around and aim it at the person I am (unfortunately) still ticked off at. 

I'm thinking that if you're not a praying type of person, you could substitute the following: "I wish for (stupid jerk) to have deep and abiding love from her family. I wish for (stupid jerk) to have joy and flow in her daily life. I wish for..." You get the idea. If I were to do this, I would find a quiet moment, take a few deep breaths, and recite the list three times. Once a day. Two weeks. Then check in with yourself.

Yes Of COURSE I'll Forgive That JackAss...Just Not Yet

Okay, folks. What do you do when you're smack up against a wall of anger and hurt and self-righteous justifications that you want to fling at someone because they have hurt someone you love (or you) really badly? I think this is a timely topic as we head into the holidays, but I'm having trouble writing a coherent post (probably because I am ROYALLY PISSED at someone right now. It's not you. The person doesn't even know this blog exists.). Please leave me your tips in the comments section (anonymous comments welcomed, as always). It can be anything from how to be pleasant in social situations to deep soul work on releasing anger. Thanks in advance for sharing.

Writer's Block

Dear Mrs. Ditter,
I really love to write and I think I'm pretty good at it, too. But I have a couple problems: I have a hard time thinking up ideas for stories, and then, once I start, I lose interest! I don't know what to do! -- A Cute Little Kittycat

Ah, Cute Little Kittycat, you have come to the right place. Mrs. Ditter has years of experience in dealing with just this sort of thing, and here are a few suggestions.
For Story Ideas:
1. Rewrite a family story that you've heard 983 times. You know, the one old Uncle Ralph tells every year at Thanksgiving. Give it a different middle and a different ending and see if you like it better than the way he tells it. Do NOT feel compelled to share your version with him.
2. Write the story of your own first birthday. Yeah, make it up, unless you remember it extremely clearly.
3. Write the story of the day of your parent's wedding. Yes, make this up, too!
4. Flip through a magazine or newspaper, choose a picture, and write the story that goes with it. 

5. Start with a line of dialogue that you've overheard or read or made up. Here's one I'm giving away free today (just for you): "Daisy is displeased," said Farmer Jones, glaring at his innocent-looking herd of cows. Go! Write the story!
6. Try writing as soon as you wake up in the morning...before you read the paper, before you check your email, before you have a cup of tea. Well, maybe not before the tea.
For when you get stuck:
1. Write where the energy is. You don't have to write a story straight through from beginning to end. You can start with the first sentence, skip to the middle, write the end, and then go back and connect the dots.
2. Start at the end, and write your way backwards.
3. Set a timer for five minutes and keep your pencil (or keyboard) moving. After five minutes, go for five more minutes. And then five more.

4. If you're stuck in the story, take a time out. Go shoot some hoops, or run up and down your driveway, or dig in your garden, or fold some laundry. Ten minutes, tops. Then go back to your writing and see if anything has shaken loose.
5. Take whatever you've written with you to bed at night and read it right before you fall asleep. You could even sleep with it under your pillow. Who knows? Inspiration could strike!
6. Just. Keep. Writing. Even if you hate what's coming out on the page, even if you think it's boring, even if you can shoot a cow through the holes in the plot.
7. Get a fresh piece of paper, and have a chat with one of your characters. Ask her a question and see how she answers it. What's her favorite color? What would she tell you about her first day of school in fourth grade? Does she have any siblings? Who's the last person she had a fight with, and what was it about?
Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
As always: If you want Mrs. Ditter to answer a question, just leave it in the comments section below.

I Can't Change! Everyone Needs Me To Stay The Same!

Mrs. Ditter, I so agree with you that sometimes it's fear that prevents us from making a change and sometimes it's our responsibilities. But do you think that sometimes we use our responsibilities as the excuse for not making the change because we're fearful of the change? -- Carrie

OF COURSE we hide behind our responsibilities. Mrs. Ditter has hidden behind her home-front responsibilities for years now (kids, laundry, carpool, emotional support, cooking, cleaning, blah blah freakin' blah). It's totally understandable. It's also totally deadly after a while.
This sort of hiding narrows your world, and keeps you from becoming the person you're here to become. At least, that's the way I see it.
And please note: I am using the term "YOU" in the general, not the specific sense. Okay?

Anyway, I wonder if it's not that you're fearful of the change. I wonder if you're more fearful of what the change will mean in your life and in the lives of your loved ones. 
Let's say the change is that you decide to run every morning, or become a landscape architect, or write a book (OH YES I DID JUST PULL THAT LAST ONE OUT OF NOWHERE). So the change is: you set your clock earlier and lace up your shoes and get out the door; you research and apply to horticultural degree programs; you plunk your butt in the chair every day at the same time and write even if it makes your nose bleed from anxiety and self-loathing.

The change is not all that scary. But what happens to you and your loved ones if you truly commit to the change can be very scary, indeed.
Your kids might have to get themselves ready for school and they will resent this. You may have to dip into family savings or take out a loan for education costs and this might freak out you or your partner. Your book might be a best-seller, or it might be a total flop, or it might not get published at all and you will die of humiliation.
The scenarios are endless. Make up whatever doomsday plot fits your situation best! Just remember, you will be a different person after you commit to and follow through with the change. And there's no way to know who exactly you will be. Which can keep you hiding behind your responsibilities for a long, long time. Which is totally fine, unless your heart is burning for that change.
By the way, Carrie, you win the prize for being the first person to ask Mrs. Ditter two questions! Send me your address and I'll send you some chocolate.
As always, I look forward to comments and questions. You can leave questions on any topic in the comment section of the blog. Anonymous questions welcomed!

Woof Woof Woof GGGGRRRRRRR

Dear Mrs. Ditter,

I have a good friend, whom I'll refer to as GF; we often walk our dogs together.  When I went on vacation recently, GF took care of my dog, Ms. X. Before this trip, GF made it clear that she finds my dog loud and unpredictable.  This is somewhat true, but I also find that I do much better handling Ms. X when I am alone than when I am with GF, in part because GF is always letting me know what I should be doing different.  

While I was on vacation, GF trained Ms. X to stop barking when she thinks someone is leaving the house.  This is a good thing, and I feel grateful. But I am also a bit irritated.  First, because GF didn't ask my permission to train her, and second, because when we next went on a walk and I called Ms. X back to me, GF called her too (she has done this before). I said, "GF, she is my dog.  Please let me call her myself."  Her response was to tell me why my way of doing it was wrong.

I get it that she's a better dog owner than I am.  But Ms. X is my dog, not hers!  I am a more rambunctious person generally, and I don't dislike all of Ms. X's loudness.

I think I probably need to say something about this to GF.  Or do I just need to suck it up and live with it?  After all, GF did me a favor.  I also think I need to find someone else to care for my dog, no matter how inconvenient that might be.

What do you think?--Ms. X's Human

Oh, my. Many of us have faced this dilemma with our kids; sounds as if you're going through it with your dog. Your parenting skills are being called into question and it doesn't feel good.

A couple of thoughts here: First, your friend, although she sounds like a terrific dog trainer, appears to have underdeveloped social skills. You've been politely clear with her about your wishes (asking her not to call your dog), and she's responded by telling you what you're doing wrong. No wonder you feel irritated. However, you may need to take her as she is and not expect great empathy or connection.

Second, you might want to examine your thought that "GF is a better dog owner" than you. You're a different person, you enjoy having a more rambunctious dog, you're not abusing your dog in any way. Stop throwing shoes at yourself.
Third, definitely find someone else to take in your dog when you go on vacation. You're on an emotional hook with this person and it's time to release yourself from any further sense of obligation.
As far as saying something to your friend or just sucking it up, hmm. She's already shown that she doesn't hear you when you talk to her (sounds like some dogs I know!). You might try this: On your next walk, if she calls Ms. X, tell her that you don't want her to call your dog. If she again tells you that you're doing it wrong, tell her that's not the point. The point is Ms. X is your dog, and you are the one to call your dog, and you want her to understand and respect this. Her reaction might point out whether you have a true friendship or just a dog-connection.
It's hard to sustain a close friendship with someone who is always pointing out your deficiencies. If you value GF's dog training tips, then by all means keep walking with her. But if her lack of respect for your wishes is poisoning your friendship, you may benefit by stepping back a little.
Let me know how it goes.
And as always, I look forward to your comments and your questions.