Friday, December 10, 2010

Mom's Spiritual Journey

Not much to say about this, other than that it's short (two minutes) and you might get a laugh out of watching my very first movie. Also, happy holidays. May you be calm and peaceful. HAH!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Nanny Tells All!

You've seen it at the grocery store, right? The latest ripped-from-reality expose of famous parents and their kids, told by the nanny/housekeeper/gardener/tutor/insert-function-here.
Makes me think: Is there a single one of us who'd want a member of our family (since most of us don't have staff) to go public with their real life stories? I certainly wouldn't want my temper tantrums, sarcasm, rudeness and occasional immaturity put out into the public arena. 
And yet as human beings, that's what we're drawn to--tales of other people's failings. Is it because we can measure ourselves against outrageous behavior and feel relieved? After all, we're not that bad. I might drop the occasional F-bomb, but at least I'm not allowing my under-age kids to drink. Or to drive one of our many cars around the estate (yeah, okay, we don't have an estate. but still...). 
I'm not that bad.
We're not that bad.
Are we?
Given money and fame and adulation, surrounded by people who we pay to tell us what we want to hear, insulated from many of life's inconveniences, how would we be? Who would we be?
Would we be that bad?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Seven Great Things About Teenagers (and preteens, too)

Yeah, right. But hang on...
1. Teenagers force you to examine your cozy little assumptions.
There you are, going about your daily life, meeting work deadlines, doing laundry, planning next spring's garden, la la la la la---WHAM! Veganism! Laptops for 11-year-olds! Religion! Animal rights! Skateboarders' rights! Politics! Purple hair dye! Clothing! Relationships! 
2. Teenagers are hilarious.
Goofy, occasionally childlike, willing to look ridiculous if it makes them laugh (teens are not above posting video of themselves dressed up as woolly mammoths and cavemen), clever with wordplay, endlessly creative, occasionally sarcastic (see #3, below).
3. Teenagers are cruel.
And when they are, remember, acknowledge, and examine the times in your life when you've been cruel. Great reality check.
4. Teenagers demand accountability.
Don't want them to swear? Stop swearing. Repeat ad infinitum, with everything: eating junk food, lying, cheating, cleaning your room, hanging up your towel, and owning up to that time you broke every rule in the book when you and a few dozen friends snuck into the university pool at 2:00 AM.
5. Teenagers are passionate.
Remember what it was like to get all worked up about stuff? If you can regain that passion (without the exhausting drama and hormones), it can change your life, no matter how old you are, no matter how set in your ways you've become, no matter how scared you are of failing.
6. Teenagers dream big.
Semester at Sea. Juilliard. Harvard, Yale, MIT, Berkeley. Book contracts. Movie contracts. World travel. World transformation. Long-lasting romantic love. Delectable vegan brownies (probably the most impossible item on this list).
7. Teenagers work hard.
Babysitting, lifeguarding, flipping burgers, digging compost, stacking firewood, endless piles of homework, team sports, team projects, being cheerful (remember what hard work that was as a teen? OUCH!), making polite conversation when guests are over for dinner (again: OUCH!), dragging through life sleep-deprived because the teen circadian rhythm is not set to coincide with getting up at Oh Dark Thirty to catch carpool/subway/bus/train/whatever during the school year. 
8. Bonus Item! Teenagers force us to remember and to give thanks.
Remember when the world seemed big and welcoming. Remember when our options seemed wide open. Remember back to when the grooves in our brain weren't worn quite so deeply. And...give thanks for the choices we've made, the options we've turned down, the grooves we've worn, the insight we've gained.


What can you add that's great about teenagers and preteens? Leave it in the comments below. And as always, if you have a question for Mrs. Ditter, leave it in the comments or email at mrsditter@gmail.com. Anonymity guaranteed.





Friday, July 2, 2010

It's Been HOW Long?

Well. All I can say is, between a few unexpected medical issues (one of which required an overnight stay in the hospital which OF COURSE happened when my husband was out of town and yes, thank you, I'm totally fine), a kitchen fire that totally destroyed the microwave and proved just how wonderful firefighters truly are, the typical end of school chaos, the four days devoted to dance recital, the start of swim team, the demand of the 15-year-old to be sent to an early-entrance college program, and an unexpected flurry of extremely quick-turnaround writing projects (note to Universe: I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE WORK. PLEASE SEND MORE AS IT SEEMS I MIGHT BE PAYING COLLEGE TUITION THREE YEARS EARLY, ALSO THE CAR NEEDS A LOT OF WORK, AND DID I MENTION THE HOSPITAL BILLS?), it has indeed been three months since I've posted. And we are heading into the middle part of summer, even if this morning it was 52 degrees and raining at swim team practice. 


So anyway, hi to all you wonderful blog readers, and when I think of something profound to write, I will. Until then, be happy that your life is not such that one of your brothers thoughtfully offered to set fire to a kitchen appliance in your honor.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Pre-Summer Mothering Angst, or How Can I Enjoy the Spring Flowers When Summer is Looming Over Me Like a Big Horrible Scary Looming Thing

Dear Mrs. Ditter: Summer is coming. And school will be out. And I am IN TOTAL DREAD of it. I feel terribly guilty, but I feel DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED by the thought of summer and kid(s) at home and everything else that goes with it . . . carpools, constantly changing schedules of camps and lessons, making endless breakfasts, lunches and dinners (for which I have no new ideas), taking the kids to the pool (and having to appear in my swimsuit), "fun" family trips and all the stress those entail. What's wrong with me? I must be a terrible mother. I used to love summer. I should be looking forward to spending all that time with my offspring. . . . in cranky and awful early adolescence, by the way. Should I be fired from this mothering job? Thanks, Ms. Pickle.
Dear Ms. Pickle, HAH! Are you sure you didn't mean "Could I be fired from this mothering job? Please? PLEASE?" and the answer is, "Sorry, honey. You will be a mom until your dying breath, and then probably for quite a while longer. Like, all eternity. So suck it up. Plus, you'd miss them if they weren't around."
Continuing to take your points in backward order, there is nothing wrong with you. At least I don't think there is. But then I could have written this letter myself (note to all loyal readers: No, I don't make up the letters that I answer here. But this one? Totally could have come from me). I do know a few women who love having the long summer; love the unstructured days; love the freedom to do just about anything, any time; love the family trips. I also know that these women have 1) more money than I do, and they 2) travel more than I do, and also that 3) their kids tend to get along with each other really well. I think that last point is more important than the first two. Also, I've noticed that parents who have extended family nearby, or who live in neighborhoods where the kids all run around together, seem to be happier about the long summer vacation. But most of the stay-at-home parents I know struggle with the same feelings you have. So cut yourself some slack.
Next: Of course you used to love summer! You used to be a goofy kid; a teen with no responsibilities; a college student with summers off from school and a no-brainer job; a 20-something with a hot body and lots of energy. Summer was FUN! Summer was the beach and the sun and the smell of Coppertone and hooting at cute young men. Boy, those were great times. *sigh* Is summer still so uncomplicated? No, I didn't think so.
Next, "I should be looking forward to spending all that time with my offspring." No, you shouldn't. You either are, or you aren't (most likely, you're feeling some combination). Telling yourself you SHOULD be feeling something is ridiculous, unproductive, untrue and hurtful. You're feeling what you're feeling. End of story. 
Also next. Just because you take the kids to the pool does not mean you have to appear in a swimsuit. And, reality check: Most of those moms at the pool probably look a little lumpy, a little softer than they used to be, a little...saggy. Stop looking at yourself and just get in the water and have fun. Or hang on a chair and read. Don't worry about anyone looking at you, because they most likely aren't. Remember that old quote: You wouldn't spend so much time worrying about what people thought about you if you realized how seldom they did? That applies here. Take it to heart. It's your path to freedom, poolside.
I'm not going to give you recipes, or camp ideas, or carpool suggestions, other than to point out that if your children are in "early and awful adolescence" they are old enough to prepare at least one of their meals every day (bowl of cereal, sandwich), and perhaps each one of them could make dinner one night a week. Also: teach them how to do laundry this summer. You won't regret it. 
So what are you going to do? You are going to enjoy what's left of the school year (translation: do things for yourself while the kids are in school), realize that you're probably going to have some rough spots this summer, and make sure you have at least one good friend to whom you can moan and complain.
Finally, on June 15th, write the following wise words on the back of your hand in Sharpie: This Too Shall Pass.
As always, thanks for reading. Comments, questions: leave them in the Comments section below, or you can leave me a question at mrsditter@gmail.com.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

In Which Mrs. Ditter Feels Totally Confused


Dear Mrs. Ditter, To start, that is the question. How do you keep yourself from not beginning? And then how do you keep yourself from not following through? And what about the middle...the boring stuff it seems, with no gratification at all. I have been putting off posting this for months as I searched and searched and I have not been able to find the answer. I sit, therefore, I am. Is that who I am destined to be?


Okay, Obliquely Questioning One, hang on a moment while I grab some caffeine and ponder your conundrum.
Let's start with the last bit: "I sit, therefore I am. Is that who I am destined to be?"
I would suggest you try out this statement instead: "I am, therefore I am." Because--you are. We all just plain are. Sitting, standing, meditating, eating, walking the dog, hollering at our loved ones, laughing, sweeping the floor --we ARE.
As far as being destined for anything, my own personal jury is out on that one. I'm not entirely certain that we come into this world "destined" to be anyone in particular, other than who we are. And I think who we are is, in large part, up to us to find out. And to create. And to change, if we see the need for change (and sometimes the need for change is a subtle whisper in our ears, and sometimes it's a big guy on a tractor crashing down our front door).
Okay, that was the easy stuff. As far as the first part of your inquiry, hmm. You've got me stumped. As a writer, my problem is NOT with "not following through." The beginnings are easy but the following through presents more challenge.
For what are you searching? The meaning of life? Does life have to have a meaning, or are we free to just live it as best we can, given our circumstances (health, environment, education level, income, genetic predisposition to mood swings, etc.)?
I feel as if I'm totally missing the point here, but I offer the following links for those inclined to explore:


The Work with Byron Katie
The Tapping Solution

Gratefulness.org, a Network for Grateful Living



Let me know how it goes.


Questions? Conundrums? Comments? Leave them in the comments box, below, or email me at mrsditter@gmail.com.


And as always, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

School Friends...Or Not

Dear Mrs. Ditter,
There's this girl who's really nice and we're friends, but this incident keeps happening: I'll ask her, "Hey, do you want to sit together on the bus?" every once in a while, and she'll say "Sure!" and then we'll get on the bus and she'll go and sit with someone else. It's not entirely her fault, because there are these two girls who stick to her like velcro and if she tries to sit with someone else they'll go, "Aw, come on! Sit with us!" and she'll say she'll sit with me next time and then goes and sits with them. I don't want to appear clingy and say "You never sit with me!" but honestly, I'm starting to get pretty pissed with those other two girls. They seriously won't let her sit anywhere but with them!
Signed, Pissed :(


Dear Pissed, Oh, boy. I can see why you're ticked off. I also wonder if you aren't feeling hurt, as well? Even as adults, it hurts when people you think are your friends treat you in a way that you wouldn't treat them (yes, Mrs. Ditter is speaking from experience. Ouch!). 
So just take a deep breath and admit to yourself that while this makes you angry, it also hurts. That's normal and human and totally understandable.
Got that deep breath? Okay, let's tackle this thing.
When I read your letter, three things stuck out: 1) you say this girl is really nice and you're friends with her; 2) you're angry with the other girls; 3) you don't want to look clingy. 
1) I don't know her, so I don't know if she's nice or not. But I have to say that her behavior, at least about the bus-riding, doesn't sound very friendly. She certainly isn't being friendly to you when she says one thing and then does another. Would you treat a friend that way? Probably not. 
I understand that she must have some really good qualities, otherwise you wouldn't like her so much. But it sounds as if she's not very reliable, at least as far as keeping her word about bus-riding goes.
2) Now, moving on to the anger bit: If you're going to be angry with someone, be angry with the person who broke a commitment to you. Take a look at your last sentence: "They seriously won't let her sit anywhere but with them!" Really? Are they in charge of where she sits? Isn't her decision where she sits HER decision, not theirs? If you don't like those other two girls, it's understandable that you'd want to blame them. But it's not their fault (even if they're really obnoxious and you'd like to throw moldy cheese at them).
I wonder why you're not angry with her? Are you scared of being angry with her? Is she one of those really popular kids who everybody likes? 
Sometimes we're scared of being angry with really popular people because we think it says something bad about us. IT DOESN'T. 
3) Finally, you're absolutely right that you don't want to look clingy. Of course you don't want to say something like, "You never sit with me!" No one wants to be a whiner! And you really don't want her to sit with you because she feels guilty. That's not a good basis for a friendship.
So what to do? 
I see several options. Use any or all or none--it's your choice!
A) Stop asking her to sit with you on the bus. Easy. Situation over.
B) Be honest with her. Tell her you feel upset when she says she'll sit with you, and then doesn't. ONLY do this if you can do it calmly. ONLY do this if you can do it without saying mean things about the other two girls. 
C) Take a little bit of time and think about something: If a friend of yours came to you with this exact situation, what would you tell her?
D) Finally, I think it's really important that you remember this: You don't have to stop liking her as a friend, or tell yourself that she's bad, or mean, or anything like that. But you might want to have a bus-riding friend who's a little more dependable and reliable. That might be a girl who isn't the most popular kid in the class...and you may be surprised how much you can grow to like someone whom you're overlooking right now!
Thanks for writing, and please let me know how it goes. I'll be thinking about you.
Questions? Conundrums? Comments? Leave them in the comment box, below, or email me at mrsditter@gmail.com.
And as always, thanks for reading.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Honoring a Deceased Parent's Birthday

Today's topic clearly falls into the "Not That You Asked" category, but I'll bet I'm not the only one who celebrates her parents' birthdays...even though they're no longer living.
My mom would be 90 today if she were still alive, and yes, if you're doing the math, that means she had me late in life. Those seven kids she had before producing me? Clearly, just warm-ups for the main attraction. 
Anyway, where was I? Mom. Right. And her birthday. And what, if anything, I do to commemorate it.
Over the last three years, I've done a variety of things on Mom's birthday. As best I can remember, they include the following:
1. Talk to her. Yeah, I talk to my dead mom. On her birthday, it's usually along the lines of "Thanks for having one last kid, and thanks for all the hard work you put in." Other days, I might be hollering at her for some leftover childhood piece of unfinished business. But I talk to her.
2. Write to her. Same as #1, only in letter form.
3. Email my siblings, who were the backbone of my childhood and are still part of the rock I stand on. Okay, that's an awkward mental image, given that backbones don't usually turn into rocks, but you get the idea.
4. Visit the cemetery and pour a little Starbucks on her grave. Really. She and Dad loved the luxury of going to Starbucks and getting a mocha.
5. Bring flowers from my yard and leave them on the grave.
6. Call her best friend.
7. Light a candle, either in real life or at Gratefulness.org, a terrific online community based on the teachings of Brother David Steindl-Rast and his colleagues. It's a network for grateful living (ANGeL, get it?). Check out this link of Br. David reading a short Billy Collins poem. Which has nothing to do with my mother's birthday, except she LOVED Br. David and loved poetry.
8. Sing "Happy Birthday" to her.
How about you? Any dead parents out there? What, if anything, do you do to remember them on their birthdays? 
Comments, questions, conundrums...leave them in the comments box, below.
You can also contact me at mrsditter@gmail.com.
And as always, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Not That You Asked: Toxic Friends

Unless you've been hiding under a rock (as I tend to do on rainy days), you've missed some recent media buzz about toxic friends. Check out this video blog by Therese Borchard, who writes the Beyond Blue blog for Belief.net. Or take a look at this article by life coach Cheryl Richardson in the current Oprah Magazine. Or do a quick Google search on "toxic friends" and then choose from the 6.35 MILLION HITS that come up.
What's up with that?
It might just be our cultural propensity to label everything: If you're distractable, you have ADD. If your kids misbehave in public, you're an ineffective parent. And if a person persistently rubs you the wrong way, or if you feel exhausted after spending time with them, or you find yourself avoiding their emails and phone calls, you may be tempted to label them a toxic friend.
Fine. Do it. Slap the label on them.
But then step back and look at yourself from their point of view.
Hmm. Not so pretty, huh? There must be one or two things you've done that would legitimately piss someone off, right? There must be a pattern of annoying behavior that you've engaged in with at least one friend, right? Do you need to label yourself?
Well, do you? 
Does labeling a pattern of interaction change the basics of what happened, or does it just make it easier to get a handle on what happened and then make a decision about how to proceed? Are we more comfortable when we can gather up a basket of sharp-edged incidents and say, "She did this, she did this, OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT, SHE KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY RIGHT NOW, THAT WAS SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE, she did this, she said this..." and then take those incidents and label them "toxic"? Is that what we need to do before we can disengage ourselves from a relationship that we just don't want to be in? Do we need to justify leaving a friendship by giving it (and by extension, the other person) a poisonous label?
Why can't we just disengage? No drama, no fussing. No throwing shoes, as the funny and terrific Havi Brooks says. Just...stop.
While I don't disagree with the basic info in either the video blog (Borchard is an unusually honest and talented writer) or the Richardson article, I'm concerned that we're going to see a huge run on people labeling other people TOXIC.
And just what will that accomplish?
I've had friendships (short ones, thank the heavens) that I found emotionally exhausting for a variety of reasons, and I was grateful when those friendships ended. 
On the flip side, I know I was the emotionally exhausting person in other short-lived friendships.
That's human nature. That's just how we are. Sometimes we fit together, sometimes we don't. In the cases I'm thinking of, if I'd paid attention to my inner self screaming "Red light! Red light! Not a good friendship fit!" I would have saved myself time, frustration and hurt feelings. 
But out of those hurt feelings comes growth, and I'm grateful for that.
I just don't see the need to label it.
Questions? Comments? Leave them below, or email me at mrsditter@gmail.com. 
And as always, thanks for reading.



Monday, February 22, 2010

Excessive Worrying and How to Stop

Dear Mrs. D., These days I'm feeling bad about everything. The Republicans, global warming, food additives, cholesterol, eating meat, not composting, not recycling (enough), not giving to Amnesty International, or Emily's List, or The Farmworkers or Morris Dees or the Democratic Party, etc., etc. (can't afford it and who wants to employ charity triage?), going off my diet, my greying hair, my addiction to Hugh Laurie and mindless television, the disgusting state of American culture, pervasive violence against women in this country and all over the world, people who don't know the difference between "its" and "it's", Sarah Palin; I worry about the president, the economy, the terrible psychological toll of the job losses in this country, the greed on Wall Street, the upcoming elections, Sarah Palin, the religious right, Haiti, New Orleans...and much, much more. There doesn't seem to be any place to put my mind where things are good and decent. How many Jimmy Stewart/Henry Fonda/ Gregory Peck movies can a girl watch? Can you help? And please don't tell me about sunsets and rainbows, new babies and chocolate - well, chocolate maybe. Signed, Disconsolate
Oh, dear darling Disconsolate, I usually edit and shorten reader questions. However, yours was so heartfelt and, in its own way, funny, that it's one of the few I've used nearly verbatim (and did you notice the correct use of "its" and "it's" in that sentence? Yes, you're welcome.). 
First off, by all means employ chocolate if that helps. I will NOT tell you to think about sunsets and rainbows, unless those make you happy. Don't think about new babies, because that brings on thoughts of sleep deprivation, massive amounts of laundry, post-partum depression, and years and years of responsibility and heartache and possibly visits to Chuck E. Cheese, none of which will improve your mood.
Seriously, though, there are a ton of things you can do to lift your mood. I'm just going to throw out the list of stuff that I've found helpful.
1. Easy, easy, easy, and profoundly life-changing: Keep a gratitude journal. Mine is an old spiral bound notebook that one of the kids discarded. If you prefer to go shopping for a finely bound, beautiful journal, go for it. But get something to write in, and here's what you do: Every night before you go to bed, write down five things you're grateful for. Anything is game: I'm grateful for the air I breathe. I'm grateful for my bed. For my internet connection. For today's sunshine. For today's birdsong. For Hugh Laurie and mindless television. For the water I just used to brush my teeth. For my toothbrush. For my teeth. You get the idea. I challenge you to do this for three weeks and not feel a lifting of your mood.
I try to do the same thing in the morning, but usually I just roll out of bed, think "Thank you," and get moving. Doing it at night is my current version of saying my nightly prayers, and it's lovely.
2. Walk. Preferably in the fresh air. Even if the fresh air is full of flying water droplets. Every day. Really.
3. If you absolutely MUST feel bad about things, set your timer for five minutes and spend that five minutes listing, out loud, everything you feel  bad about. You could start with the wonderful letter you wrote me and go on from there. Sometimes just naming things takes the sting away.
4. Do NOT try to talk yourself out of your worries. You feel bad about certain stuff. You feel worried. That's reality.
However, don't believe everything you think. 
5. Do NOT try to convince yourself that things will never change. Unless you are Psychic Queen of the Universe, you don't know that six months from now things will still look as bleak as they do today. 
6. If you are feeling really down or anxious, see a psychiatrist and talk about mood-altering meds. Really. No shame in it. The study of brain chemistry is fascinating; the bad news is that the more you think a thought, the more deeply that way of thinking gets grooved into your brain (yup, just like a vinyl record). The excellent, exciting, terrific news is that YOUR BRAIN IS PLASTIC or malleable or whatever term you'd like to use. You can change those grooves with: medication, exercise, meditation, gratitude journals, piano playing, painting, deep breathing, praying, and on and on and on.
7. Increase your intake of water...not tea, not coffee, not Diet Coke. Water. Lots of it.
8. RIGHT NOW, go get a scrap of paper and write down five things you're grateful for. Email them to me, using the comments section below or go to mrsditter@gmail.com.
Questions? Comments? Love to hear what you're all thinking. And as usual, thanks for reading.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Gossip, Innuendo, Junior High Behavior...We Love Work!

Dear Mrs. Ditter, How do you deal with gossip at work? Recently, I had to tell someone that I didn't like her behavior--she was actually polling people about what someone else had said! She responded that the other person had lied to her repeatedly and she was just trying to get the facts. 
I have a little influence here, but not the power to hire and fire. I don't want to get involved, but I can't stand this sort of junior high behavior.--Disgusted
Okay, first of all, you already ARE involved. You got involved by calling this person on her behavior. Also, check your language: "I had to tell someone that I didn't like her behavior--" No, you didn't have to. You chose to. Ugh, sorry if that sounds kind of harsh. 
Also again: Do you know if the person being gossiped about actually HAD lied to the person doing the gossiping? 
Is it possible that "junior high behavior" is being engaged in by both parties?
And now we get to the real crux of the matter: What can you do about it? Which means you first need to answer another question: SHOULD you do anything about it? If you choose to get involved in this situation, be really clear about your reasons why. Does it touch something in your past that you need to take care of? Do you have a knee-jerk reaction when people act like jerks? Do you dream of ridding the world of obnoxious people, one office at a time? 
When you're clear about your reason for getting more involved, and if it still seems appropriate to move forward, you need to figure out how. If this person reports to you, then by all means bring up your concerns with her if a similar situation takes place. 
If she doesn't report to you, I'm not sure what you can do. You say you have "a little influence" in the work setting--what does that mean? Does it mean you can talk to the gossiping person's supervisor? Does it mean that you can call a staff meeting and gently introduce concerns about workplace gossip and the harm it can do?
Or does it just mean that you can lead by example?
I wish I had a full-blown answer here, but I've puzzled over this situation for several days and nothing seems clear.
Then again, I've quit more jobs than any five people combined, so my workplace skills are obviously not razor-sharp.
Gut feeling? I'd keep my mouth shut for now but start looking for a program on workplace gossip. Or do a half-day program introducing The Work to your staff. Or maybe hire a facilitator of Non-Violent Communication to do a short training for your office. Let me know how it goes.
PS--Just found this book recommended in a book I'm reading (The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin): The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. Haven't read the book, so I can't recommend it, but it might be worth a look.
Questions? Comments? Leave them in the Comments box, below. And as always, thanks for reading.





Friday, February 5, 2010

You Don't Eat WHAT?

Dear Mrs. Ditter, All my friends seem to be deciding that they can't eat wheat, or cheese, or some other thing that is a staple of most human diets.  Help me out here. What is the difference between a dietary need--like an allergy to peanuts--and a dietary desire--"I don't like to eat wheat because it makes me feel bloated"? Do I have to cook three different meals when I invite people to dinner? Run the menu past every single person (no eggs for her, no meat for him, she hates lentils, etc.)?  Or just make a nice dinner
and hope they damn well enjoy it? -- Frustrated Cook

Hmm. I'd go with option C: make dinner and let them make their own choices from the food in front of them. But that's probably because I'm occasionally fed up (ha! see what I did there?) with the cooking situation at my house. I cook for one wheat-intolerant person, one lactose-intolerant person, one vegetarian, and one person who must have chocolate at each meal. And we all know who THAT is. But I digress, as usual.
Your question, I don't think, is really about what is the difference between a dietary need and a dietary preference. Anaphalactic shock and mild bloating are worlds apart. If you know your dinner guest is allergic to shellfish, don't serve it. Your question is more about what does a good host or hostess do when faced with a social world run amuk, a world in which people seem to expect others to unquestioningly acquiesce to the latest food fad or imaginary dietary hiccup?
Well, there's always the unstated Option D: Stop inviting people for dinner! 
However, if you insist on being hospitable, you could ask when issuing the invitation, "Do you have any food allergies of which I should be aware?" That kind of sets the parameters right there: You're asking about allergies, not preferences.
Here's where control leaves your spatula-clutching hands: Once you have issued an invitation to dine, it's up to the invitee to say, "We'd love to come for dinner. Jordan is allergic to peanuts and I don't eat any animal products." Or "I only eat meat during a full moon; let me check my calendar." Or "I'm on a thirty day potato-free diet, but I can eat anything else." Or whatever they say. 
So if they say they're allergic to something (and remember, you have opened yourself up for that information), make sure there are other dishes they can enjoy. But don't fret about it. If you make six dishes and they decide that four of them are off-limits, well, that's their choice. You've done your part.
As usual in these sorts of situations, common sense and common courtesy can go a long way toward making such a dinner pleasant for you and your guest. And let me digress once again: I'm allergic to shellfish, and there have been plenty of occasions when I've quietly made a delightful dinner by eating only side dishes. Sometimes, no one needs to know...something that we all seem to have forgotten in our disclosure-crazed world.
Comments? Below. Questions? Leave them in the comments. Anonymous, as always, is just fine. And thanks for reading.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Beating The Winter Blahs and Blues


Dear Mrs. Ditter, Please give me some suggestions for beating the winter blahs that don't cost too much or involve massive amounts of sugar...
Oh, honey, you came to the right place. For reasons that are probably painfully obvious, I have a whole bag of tricks for dealing with winter blahs, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), dark day depression, or whatever you want to call it. Read on for tips (most of them absolutely free and one damn cheap) to elevate your mood.
1. FREE! Get some exercise every single day. Yes, I really mean it. Unless you are so sick you can't get out of bed, you need to get your butt moving. I aim for an hour total each day, either walking hard with the dog or walking/running, but then I'm a hard case. Start with ten minutes and go up from there. I guarantee that if you do this for three weeks, every single day, you will feel better. Of course, you have to keep doing it. Think of it as a gift to yourself.
2. FREE! Get that exercise OUTSIDE if possible. Yes, I know. You live somewhere bitterly cold, or impossibly rainy, or just gross and slushy. So do I! Just put on your clothes and get out there. Your mother was right: Fresh air is good for what ails you.
3. CHEAP! Take Vitamin D supplements. This link focuses on women and Vitamin D, but the information is good for men and kids, too. If you don't have the time to click the link because you're too busy scarfing another half-dozen chocolate chip cookies, here's the basic info:
Your body is unable to create Vitamin D, which is not really a vitamin but a precursor hormone, or building block, for calcitriol, a steroid that regulates normal cell growth (among other things). Recently, a link has been shown between depression and Vitamin D deficiency. You need exposure to relatively strong sunlight, and a diet that provides Vitamin D-rich foods (fortified dairy products, wild salmon, etc.) to get enough Vitamin D. Most of us here in the Northern Hemisphere are Vitamin D deficient during the winter, and some of us are Vitamin D deficient most of the year. The current recommended daily requirement of 200 International Units daily appears to be way too low. Read the link for more specific info, but most adults can take up to 2,000 I.U.s a day. Some studies indicate that adults can safely process up to 10,000 I.U.s a day. I got my Vitamin D level tested a few months ago (a routine blood test), and it was in the basement. I now take 5,000 I.U.s a day. My kids take it, as well.
4. FREE! Stop sleeping so much! You are not a bear, and although our human bodies might feel as if they're going into hibernation mode during the winter, you are not, I repeat, a bear. So stop it.
5. FREE! Find something new to do, and do it. This does not include trying new chocolate chip cookie recipes. You know perfectly well that massive amounts of simple starches will bring you down, so step away from the oven and do--something else. Play the piano, even (especially?) if you do it badly. Go outside and shovel the walk, or do the fall clean-up that you've been cleverly avoiding by describing the mess as "winter shelter for the birdies", or ice skate or sled. Wash your windows inside and out. Or just inside. You get to decide. Get some crayons and color a picture--rainbow, flower, kitty cat, abstract masterpiece, whatever. Put on something other than that black turtleneck. Brush your teeth. Drink a glass of water. Now drink another.
6. FREE! Laugh. No kidding. Set aside ten minutes a day to laugh. You may need to start with two minutes and work up from there, but laughter has been shown to have a profound influence on mood elevation (translated from doctor speak: It Makes You Feel Happier). This is not a link to a scholarly article, but it does detail the many benefits of laughing: stronger immune system, reduced pain levels because of increased endorphins, a release of serotonin, and on and on.
7. FREE! Start a gratitude journal. Yeah, I know: yawn, barf, gag, New Age hoohah, spare me the sap, ick. But really? It works. Meister Eckhart, the German theologian born in 1260, wrote, "If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." And he was like, smart, and spent a lot of time thinking about this sort of stuff. So grab a notebook (a ratty old one that that your children have used and abandoned will work just fine) and start writing. Every night, write five things for which you're grateful. If you can't think of anything, here's a FREE starter tip: Write down "I'm grateful for the air I breathe" and go from there.
8. FREE! Eckhart also wrote, "God is at home, it is we who have gone out for a walk." So do what you can to get yourself back home. Which is, I suppose, what this whole post is about. 
Questions? Leave them in the comments section below. 
And as always, thanks for reading.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Oh, Ye of Little Faith (or Trust)!



Dear Mrs. Ditter, I am staying with a friend who has invited me to help myself in her kitchen. Sitting on her counter is an unopened, Costco-sized box of my very favorite forbidden fruit: sesame snacks.  It's been unopened all week and I can hardly contain myself.  Should I take her at her word and help myself (I haven't had the guts to ask about these specifically), resign myself to abstinence, or wait up until she gets home tonight and beg?  And how seriously, really, can I take someone when they say, "Help yourself"?  I know I don't really mean it and am always shocked when someone eats the last of the chocolate, for instance...
Yours, Sesame Snack Deprived

Ooh, I like these two questions, the first one so specific, the second one so general. I also like those sesame snacks, and I cannot believe you've let the box stay closed this long. I would have asked her specifically about the sesame snacks while ripping open the box. However, I'm willing to bet that you go home at the end of your stay without having eaten a single one of those luscious, crunchy, sweet, snappy little sesame treats. Mmm. What you missed!
Let's look at your real question, though, which is "How seriously can we take people when they speak to us? How deeply can we trust the words that come out of their mouths?"

I think this varies for each of us. I also think you've answered that question, for yourself, anyway, in your very next sentence: You don't really mean it when you say "Help yourself." And so it's no surprise that you can't trust that anyone else really means it.
I grant you that finishing off the last of the 62% dark chocolate is somehow much different than making yourself a bowl of oatmeal, even though in a perfect world, both instances would be covered.
In general, I think we need to behave in other people's houses the way we would want them to behave in ours. So, because you "don't really mean it" when you tell other people to help themselves in your kitchen, it seems that you should tread lightly in your friend's kitchen, for your own peace of mind if for no other reason.
Just a thought: This second question obviously leads into a whole other discussion about how much can you trust people--not just in what they say about how you can behave in their house--but I'll just let you reflect on that on your own. Let me know if you have any epiphanies, or even small glimpses. For some reason, I think if you sit with this, you'll feel a little loosening up around this issue: Either you won't say "Help yourself to anything" if you don't mean it, or you'll find that you can say it and mean it. 
Now go home and buy yourself some sesame snacks. Bon Appetit!
Questions for Mrs. Ditter? Leave them in the Comments section, below. And as always--thanks for reading.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Not That You Asked: Erg. January. Ugh.

Not that there's anything wrong, per se, with January. Well, actually, there is, at least when I'm in my politically incorrect, un-evolved, crabby girl frame of mind. 
Shall we count the horrifications of January?
1. The holidays are over but the cookie-induced weight gain lingers on.
2. The holidays are over but the house is not yet totally stripped of holiday stuff and it feels cluttered (yes, I can deal with this, and I will, but not today!).
III. The holidays are over and the kids are back at school and I have no further excuses for ignoring the blinking cursor on the blank screen.
D. The holidays are yes, you know, and outside it's a monochromatic blah of rain and clouds and grey sky and drizzle and gloom and dark and ick.
Five. The holidays are blah blah blah and the wind is screaming around the house and it's so cold I can't get up the courage to go outside for a run and also: See Item 1, about cookies and fat thighs, which means on top of everything else, I feel guilty for not getting more exercise, and I keep thinking about that last batch of ginger snaps sitting in the freezer.
So what we have here is a vicious cycle of despair, cabin fever, frigid-wind-induced earaches, and general low mood. Nice, huh? Makes you wanna hang out with Mrs. Ditter, doesn't it? 
During my annual Holiday Conference Call with my three sisters, I mentioned that when I die, if it happens to be at the end of January, I will be furious. I mean, really. To go through that stinker of a month and THEN die? That's just adding final insult to ultimate injury.
Which leads me to another reason I hate January: I lost a brother in January, 30 years ago. Believe me, I've worked on being grateful for the terrific person he was, and remembering the funny and outrageous things he did and said, and telling stories about him to my kids, and laughing about him with my best friend, but even after all these years, it still hurts. After 30 years! Part of me wants to sit down and cry, and part of me is just shaking my head, amazed that after all this time, the deep feelings of grief can still--briefly, thank you God--overwhelm me.
I think about him a lot in January. I'm sure he would just laugh at me for still being angry that he died before he hit 25. And that he would urge me to stop stalling and get on with whatever is next on my list. And that he would remind me that life is short (and who knows that better than he?) and I'm not getting any younger. And really, who knows that better than I? See Item 1, above, for further proof that the old metabolism ain't what it used to be and that the once-fine machine is slowing down.
There may come a time when I don't hate January quite so much. I am not holding my breath for that time to show up. 
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some cookies to hunt down.
As always, if you have any questions for Mrs. Ditter, feel free to leave them in the comments section, below. Anonymity allowed! Comments encouraged. Thanks for reading.