Honoring a Deceased Parent's Birthday

Today's topic clearly falls into the "Not That You Asked" category, but I'll bet I'm not the only one who celebrates her parents' birthdays...even though they're no longer living.

My mom would be 90 today if she were still alive, and yes, if you're doing the math, that means she had me late in life. Those seven kids she had before producing me? Clearly, just warm-ups for the main attraction. 

Anyway, where was I? Mom. Right. And her birthday. And what, if anything, I do to commemorate it.

Over the last three years, I've done a variety of things on Mom's birthday. As best I can remember, they include the following:

1. Talk to her. Yeah, I talk to my dead mom. On her birthday, it's usually along the lines of "Thanks for having one last kid, and thanks for all the hard work you put in." Other days, I might be hollering at her for some leftover childhood piece of unfinished business. But I talk to her.

2. Write to her. Same as #1, only in letter form.

3. Email my siblings, who were the backbone of my childhood and are still part of the rock I stand on. Okay, that's an awkward mental image, given that backbones don't usually turn into rocks, but you get the idea.

4. Visit the cemetery and pour a little Starbucks on her grave. Really. She and Dad loved the luxury of going to Starbucks and getting a mocha.

5. Bring flowers from my yard and leave them on the grave.

6. Call her best friend.

7. Light a candle, either in real life or at Gratefulness.org, a terrific online community based on the teachings of Brother David Steindl-Rast and his colleagues. It's a network for grateful living (ANGeL, get it?). Check out this link of Br. David reading a short Billy Collins poem. Which has nothing to do with my mother's birthday, except she LOVED Br. David and loved poetry.

8. Sing "Happy Birthday" to her.

How about you? Any dead parents out there? What, if anything, do you do to remember them on their birthdays? 

Comments, questions, conundrums...leave them in the comments box, below.

You can also contact me at mrsditter@gmail.com.

And as always, thanks for reading.

Not That You Asked: Toxic Friends

Unless you've been hiding under a rock (as I tend to do on rainy days), you've missed some recent media buzz about toxic friends. Check out this video blog by Therese Borchard, who writes the Beyond Blue blog for Belief.net. Or take a look at this article by life coach Cheryl Richardson in the current Oprah Magazine. Or do a quick Google search on "toxic friends" and then choose from the 6.35 MILLION HITS that come up.

What's up with that?

It might just be our cultural propensity to label everything: If you're distractable, you have ADD. If your kids misbehave in public, you're an ineffective parent. And if a person persistently rubs you the wrong way, or if you feel exhausted after spending time with them, or you find yourself avoiding their emails and phone calls, you may be tempted to label them a toxic friend.

Fine. Do it. Slap the label on them.

But then step back and look at yourself from their point of view.

Hmm. Not so pretty, huh? There must be one or two things you've done that would legitimately piss someone off, right? There must be a pattern of annoying behavior that you've engaged in with at least one friend, right? Do you need to label yourself?

Well, do you? 

Does labeling a pattern of interaction change the basics of what happened, or does it just make it easier to get a handle on what happened and then make a decision about how to proceed? Are we more comfortable when we can gather up a basket of sharp-edged incidents and say, "She did this, she did this, OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT, SHE KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY RIGHT NOW, THAT WAS SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE, she did this, she said this..." and then take those incidents and label them "toxic"? Is that what we need to do before we can disengage ourselves from a relationship that we just don't want to be in? Do we need to justify leaving a friendship by giving it (and by extension, the other person) a poisonous label?

Why can't we just disengage? No drama, no fussing. No throwing shoes, as the funny and terrific Havi Brooks says. Just...stop.

While I don't disagree with the basic info in either the video blog (Borchard is an unusually honest and talented writer) or the Richardson article, I'm concerned that we're going to see a huge run on people labeling other people TOXIC.

And just what will that accomplish?

I've had friendships (short ones, thank the heavens) that I found emotionally exhausting for a variety of reasons, and I was grateful when those friendships ended. 

On the flip side, I know I was the emotionally exhausting person in other short-lived friendships.

That's human nature. That's just how we are. Sometimes we fit together, sometimes we don't. In the cases I'm thinking of, if I'd paid attention to my inner self screaming "Red light! Red light! Not a good friendship fit!" I would have saved myself time, frustration and hurt feelings. 

But out of those hurt feelings comes growth, and I'm grateful for that.

I just don't see the need to label it.

Questions? Comments? Leave them below, or email me at mrsditter@gmail.com. 

And as always, thanks for reading.

Excessive Worrying and How to Stop

Dear Mrs. D., These days I'm feeling bad about everything. The Republicans, global warming, food additives, cholesterol, eating meat, not composting, not recycling (enough), not giving to Amnesty International, or Emily's List, or The Farmworkers or Morris Dees or the Democratic Party, etc., etc. (can't afford it and who wants to employ charity triage?), going off my diet, my greying hair, my addiction to Hugh Laurie and mindless television, the disgusting state of American culture, pervasive violence against women in this country and all over the world, people who don't know the difference between "its" and "it's", Sarah Palin; I worry about the president, the economy, the terrible psychological toll of the job losses in this country, the greed on Wall Street, the upcoming elections, Sarah Palin, the religious right, Haiti, New Orleans...and much, much more. There doesn't seem to be any place to put my mind where things are good and decent. How many Jimmy Stewart/Henry Fonda/ Gregory Peck movies can a girl watch? Can you help? And please don't tell me about sunsets and rainbows, new babies and chocolate - well, chocolate maybe. Signed, Disconsolate
Oh, dear darling Disconsolate, I usually edit and shorten reader questions. However, yours was so heartfelt and, in its own way, funny, that it's one of the few I've used nearly verbatim (and did you notice the correct use of "its" and "it's" in that sentence? Yes, you're welcome.). 
First off, by all means employ chocolate if that helps. I will NOT tell you to think about sunsets and rainbows, unless those make you happy. Don't think about new babies, because that brings on thoughts of sleep deprivation, massive amounts of laundry, post-partum depression, and years and years of responsibility and heartache and possibly visits to Chuck E. Cheese, none of which will improve your mood.
Seriously, though, there are a ton of things you can do to lift your mood. I'm just going to throw out the list of stuff that I've found helpful.
1. Easy, easy, easy, and profoundly life-changing: Keep a gratitude journal. Mine is an old spiral bound notebook that one of the kids discarded. If you prefer to go shopping for a finely bound, beautiful journal, go for it. But get something to write in, and here's what you do: Every night before you go to bed, write down five things you're grateful for. Anything is game: I'm grateful for the air I breathe. I'm grateful for my bed. For my internet connection. For today's sunshine. For today's birdsong. For Hugh Laurie and mindless television. For the water I just used to brush my teeth. For my toothbrush. For my teeth. You get the idea. I challenge you to do this for three weeks and not feel a lifting of your mood.
I try to do the same thing in the morning, but usually I just roll out of bed, think "Thank you," and get moving. Doing it at night is my current version of saying my nightly prayers, and it's lovely.
2. Walk. Preferably in the fresh air. Even if the fresh air is full of flying water droplets. Every day. Really.
3. If you absolutely MUST feel bad about things, set your timer for five minutes and spend that five minutes listing, out loud, everything you feel  bad about. You could start with the wonderful letter you wrote me and go on from there. Sometimes just naming things takes the sting away.
4. Do NOT try to talk yourself out of your worries. You feel bad about certain stuff. You feel worried. That's reality.
However, don't believe everything you think. 
5. Do NOT try to convince yourself that things will never change. Unless you are Psychic Queen of the Universe, you don't know that six months from now things will still look as bleak as they do today. 
6. If you are feeling really down or anxious, see a psychiatrist and talk about mood-altering meds. Really. No shame in it. The study of brain chemistry is fascinating; the bad news is that the more you think a thought, the more deeply that way of thinking gets grooved into your brain (yup, just like a vinyl record). The excellent, exciting, terrific news is that YOUR BRAIN IS PLASTIC or malleable or whatever term you'd like to use. You can change those grooves with: medication, exercise, meditation, gratitude journals, piano playing, painting, deep breathing, praying, and on and on and on.
7. Increase your intake of water...not tea, not coffee, not Diet Coke. Water. Lots of it.
8. RIGHT NOW, go get a scrap of paper and write down five things you're grateful for. Email them to me, using the comments section below or go to mrsditter@gmail.com.
Questions? Comments? Love to hear what you're all thinking. And as usual, thanks for reading.

Gossip, Innuendo, Junior High Behavior...We Love Work!

Dear Mrs. Ditter, How do you deal with gossip at work? Recently, I had to tell someone that I didn't like her behavior--she was actually polling people about what someone else had said! She responded that the other person had lied to her repeatedly and she was just trying to get the facts. 
I have a little influence here, but not the power to hire and fire. I don't want to get involved, but I can't stand this sort of junior high behavior.--Disgusted
Okay, first of all, you already ARE involved. You got involved by calling this person on her behavior. Also, check your language: "I had to tell someone that I didn't like her behavior--" No, you didn't have to. You chose to. Ugh, sorry if that sounds kind of harsh. 
Also again: Do you know if the person being gossiped about actually HAD lied to the person doing the gossiping? 
Is it possible that "junior high behavior" is being engaged in by both parties?
And now we get to the real crux of the matter: What can you do about it? Which means you first need to answer another question: SHOULD you do anything about it? If you choose to get involved in this situation, be really clear about your reasons why. Does it touch something in your past that you need to take care of? Do you have a knee-jerk reaction when people act like jerks? Do you dream of ridding the world of obnoxious people, one office at a time? 
When you're clear about your reason for getting more involved, and if it still seems appropriate to move forward, you need to figure out how. If this person reports to you, then by all means bring up your concerns with her if a similar situation takes place. 
If she doesn't report to you, I'm not sure what you can do. You say you have "a little influence" in the work setting--what does that mean? Does it mean you can talk to the gossiping person's supervisor? Does it mean that you can call a staff meeting and gently introduce concerns about workplace gossip and the harm it can do?
Or does it just mean that you can lead by example?
I wish I had a full-blown answer here, but I've puzzled over this situation for several days and nothing seems clear.
Then again, I've quit more jobs than any five people combined, so my workplace skills are obviously not razor-sharp.
Gut feeling? I'd keep my mouth shut for now but start looking for a program on workplace gossip. Or do a half-day program introducing The Work to your staff. Or maybe hire a facilitator of Non-Violent Communication to do a short training for your office. Let me know how it goes.
PS--Just found this book recommended in a book I'm reading (The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin): The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. Haven't read the book, so I can't recommend it, but it might be worth a look.
Questions? Comments? Leave them in the Comments box, below. And as always, thanks for reading.

You Don't Eat WHAT?

Dear Mrs. Ditter, All my friends seem to be deciding that they can't eat wheat, or cheese, or some other thing that is a staple of most human diets.  Help me out here. What is the difference between a dietary need--like an allergy to peanuts--and a dietary desire--"I don't like to eat wheat because it makes me feel bloated"? Do I have to cook three different meals when I invite people to dinner? Run the menu past every single person (no eggs for her, no meat for him, she hates lentils, etc.)?  Or just make a nice dinner
and hope they damn well enjoy it? -- Frustrated Cook
Hmm. I'd go with option C: make dinner and let them make their own choices from the food in front of them. But that's probably because I'm occasionally fed up (ha! see what I did there?) with the cooking situation at my house. I cook for one wheat-intolerant person, one lactose-intolerant person, one vegetarian, and one person who must have chocolate at each meal. And we all know who THAT is. But I digress, as usual.
Your question, I don't think, is really about what is the difference between a dietary need and a dietary preference. Anaphalactic shock and mild bloating are worlds apart. If you know your dinner guest is allergic to shellfish, don't serve it. Your question is more about what does a good host or hostess do when faced with a social world run amuk, a world in which people seem to expect others to unquestioningly acquiesce to the latest food fad or imaginary dietary hiccup?
Well, there's always the unstated Option D: Stop inviting people for dinner! 
However, if you insist on being hospitable, you could ask when issuing the invitation, "Do you have any food allergies of which I should be aware?" That kind of sets the parameters right there: You're asking about allergies, not preferences.
Here's where control leaves your spatula-clutching hands: Once you have issued an invitation to dine, it's up to the invitee to say, "We'd love to come for dinner. Jordan is allergic to peanuts and I don't eat any animal products." Or "I only eat meat during a full moon; let me check my calendar." Or "I'm on a thirty day potato-free diet, but I can eat anything else." Or whatever they say. 
So if they say they're allergic to something (and remember, you have opened yourself up for that information), make sure there are other dishes they can enjoy. But don't fret about it. If you make six dishes and they decide that four of them are off-limits, well, that's their choice. You've done your part.
As usual in these sorts of situations, common sense and common courtesy can go a long way toward making such a dinner pleasant for you and your guest. And let me digress once again: I'm allergic to shellfish, and there have been plenty of occasions when I've quietly made a delightful dinner by eating only side dishes. Sometimes, no one needs to know...something that we all seem to have forgotten in our disclosure-crazed world.
Comments? Below. Questions? Leave them in the comments. Anonymous, as always, is just fine. And thanks for reading.

Beating The Winter Blahs and Blues

Dear Mrs. Ditter, Please give me some suggestions for beating the winter blahs that don't cost too much or involve massive amounts of sugar...
Oh, honey, you came to the right place. For reasons that are probably painfully obvious, I have a whole bag of tricks for dealing with winter blahs, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), dark day depression, or whatever you want to call it. Read on for tips (most of them absolutely free and one damn cheap) to elevate your mood.
1. FREE! Get some exercise every single day. Yes, I really mean it. Unless you are so sick you can't get out of bed, you need to get your butt moving. I aim for an hour total each day, either walking hard with the dog or walking/running, but then I'm a hard case. Start with ten minutes and go up from there. I guarantee that if you do this for three weeks, every single day, you will feel better. Of course, you have to keep doing it. Think of it as a gift to yourself.
2. FREE! Get that exercise OUTSIDE if possible. Yes, I know. You live somewhere bitterly cold, or impossibly rainy, or just gross and slushy. So do I! Just put on your clothes and get out there. Your mother was right: Fresh air is good for what ails you.
3. CHEAP! Take Vitamin D supplements. This link focuses on women and Vitamin D, but the information is good for men and kids, too. If you don't have the time to click the link because you're too busy scarfing another half-dozen chocolate chip cookies, here's the basic info:
Your body is unable to create Vitamin D, which is not really a vitamin but a precursor hormone, or building block, for calcitriol, a steroid that regulates normal cell growth (among other things). Recently, a link has been shown between depression and Vitamin D deficiency. You need exposure to relatively strong sunlight, and a diet that provides Vitamin D-rich foods (fortified dairy products, wild salmon, etc.) to get enough Vitamin D. Most of us here in the Northern Hemisphere are Vitamin D deficient during the winter, and some of us are Vitamin D deficient most of the year. The current recommended daily requirement of 200 International Units daily appears to be way too low. Read the link for more specific info, but most adults can take up to 2,000 I.U.s a day. Some studies indicate that adults can safely process up to 10,000 I.U.s a day. I got my Vitamin D level tested a few months ago (a routine blood test), and it was in the basement. I now take 5,000 I.U.s a day. My kids take it, as well.
4. FREE! Stop sleeping so much! You are not a bear, and although our human bodies might feel as if they're going into hibernation mode during the winter, you are not, I repeat, a bear. So stop it.
5. FREE! Find something new to do, and do it. This does not include trying new chocolate chip cookie recipes. You know perfectly well that massive amounts of simple starches will bring you down, so step away from the oven and do--something else. Play the piano, even (especially?) if you do it badly. Go outside and shovel the walk, or do the fall clean-up that you've been cleverly avoiding by describing the mess as "winter shelter for the birdies", or ice skate or sled. Wash your windows inside and out. Or just inside. You get to decide. Get some crayons and color a picture--rainbow, flower, kitty cat, abstract masterpiece, whatever. Put on something other than that black turtleneck. Brush your teeth. Drink a glass of water. Now drink another.
6. FREE! Laugh. No kidding. Set aside ten minutes a day to laugh. You may need to start with two minutes and work up from there, but laughter has been shown to have a profound influence on mood elevation (translated from doctor speak: It Makes You Feel Happier). This is not a link to a scholarly article, but it does detail the many benefits of laughing: stronger immune system, reduced pain levels because of increased endorphins, a release of serotonin, and on and on.
7. FREE! Start a gratitude journal. Yeah, I know: yawn, barf, gag, New Age hoohah, spare me the sap, ick. But really? It works. Meister Eckhart, the German theologian born in 1260, wrote, "If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." And he was like, smart, and spent a lot of time thinking about this sort of stuff. So grab a notebook (a ratty old one that that your children have used and abandoned will work just fine) and start writing. Every night, write five things for which you're grateful. If you can't think of anything, here's a FREE starter tip: Write down "I'm grateful for the air I breathe" and go from there.
8. FREE! Eckhart also wrote, "God is at home, it is we who have gone out for a walk." So do what you can to get yourself back home. Which is, I suppose, what this whole post is about. 
Questions? Leave them in the comments section below. 
And as always, thanks for reading.